A spiritual battle has been going on in my heart, mostly over sickness, and a relationship gone bad.
It's easy to justify feeling pity for yourself in sickness, or acting in anger at someone who hurt you, but it isn't how we as Christians are called to respond to trouble when it comes our way.
The other night, I stayed up reeeeally late reading about Mitochondrial Diseases. As I was researching, I recalled that although understanding a disease you likely have is beneficial, researching "toys" with your heart and emotions in mighty big ways.
In might bad ways.
I had to eventually stop because the idea of where this could lead was too much for me to take in.
Whenever I focus on the--it could lead to where I was reading about--I have to walk away and re-direct myself to the--it could not lead to where I was reading about.
After all, my family has defied many odds--for the bad--but best of all--for the good.
It's because of this, that I can re-direct my thoughts to the positive, and to trusting in the plan of the One who made us.
So many things I have feared over the years never came to fruition....thankfully.
I am thankful that I experience it though because it taught me not to fear....as much. Since I am not perfect, I still have my moments....but instead of being a way of life for me as it was, they are now brief intermittent--every-once-in-awhile-moments. (Praise God.)
Because even when something I did fear came about, the Lord provided for us and cared for us in it...so much so that in those times, we were able to find joy and thankfulness in it anyway.
I am thankful that I experience it though because it taught me not to fear....as much. Since I am not perfect, I still have my moments....but instead of being a way of life for me as it was, they are now brief intermittent--every-once-in-awhile-moments. (Praise God.)
Because even when something I did fear came about, the Lord provided for us and cared for us in it...so much so that in those times, we were able to find joy and thankfulness in it anyway.
What I struggle with the most is the idea of having a progressive disease that no one can generally do nothing about. The fear of where I or Gavin will be in 5 years or 10 years is too much to bare. However, the truth is that I shouldn't even be thinking about that. I need to keep my heart and mind in the hear and now. In how we are today.
And today, we aren't that bad.
I am grateful for that.
Surely not by coincidence, my Jesus Calling Devotional said this yesterday:
"Give up the illiusion that you deserve a problem-free life. Part of you is still hungering for the resolution of all difficulties. This is a false hope! As I told my disciples, in the world you will have trouble. Link your hope not to problem solving in this life but to the promise of an eternity of a problem-free life in heaven. Instead of seeking perfection in this fallen world, pour your energy into seeking Me: the Perfect One.
It is possible to enjoy me and glorify Me in the midst of adverse circumstances. In fact, my light shines most brightly through believers who trust Me in the dark. That kind of trust is supernatural: a production of My indweeling Spirit. When things seem all wrong, trust me anyway. I am much less interested in right circumstances than in right responses to whatever comes your way."
So I am to expect problems. I am to expect things not going my way. But when those times come, as they have this week, my goal should not be to fix these problems that don't go the way I want them to.
Instead, it should be to trust in the Lord, while clinging to the hope of perfection in heaven, so that His Strength and His Light will shine most brightly through me in these dark times and so I will grow closer to Him.
I can do that....as long as I am in His presence daily....as long as I am constantly re-directing my focus and my heart and my mind to Him...doing this allows me to do just that....accept the difficulties as they come, trusting Him to work it out for our good according to His plan for our lives.....regardless of what that plan looks like.
We trusted Him this week, kept our freaking out to a minimum, and He saw us through. Gavin is much better....but instead of fearing how he will do in the next few weeks with baseball starting...instead of fearing and wondering if these episodes happen more or if he will be hospitalized this Spring like he has been every Spring throughout his entire life....
I am to focus on today.
I am to find joy in today.
And I am to trust Him today.
And today, I am choosing to just that.
